Sunday, May 1, 2011

Luke Skywalker Is Dead!!!

The Imperial News Network is reporting that sources in the Imperial Government have confirmed that special forces of the Imperial Army have at long last taken down rebel and terrorist mastermind, Luke Skywalker.

Skywalker, notorious for his unjust and unprovoked terrorist attack upon the Death Star some ten years ago, was said to have been hiding out in a cave or swamp in a remote and isolated region of the Dagobah System.

The Emperor announced the news live on Imperial Television Networks, declaring, "who is like unto the Empire, and who can make war with it?" He then went on to assure Imperial subjects that the demise of Skywalker was evidence of the success of Imperial Military Policy in subduing the galaxy and bringing all peoples everywhere under the just and benevolent power of the Empire.

Sources close to the Imperial Guard told Imperial News Network correspondents that the next step was to hunt down Skywalker's second in command, terrorist Han Solo.
"General" Solo is currently hiding out on planet Libya, where Imperial Forces have been engaged against stubborn rebels for weeks.
Recently, Imperial Liberators have taken out a school for disabled children.
(note: It has now been confirmed by Imperial Decree, that these "disabled children" were in fact Ewoks!!! being trained to carry out terrorist attacks against Imperial troop compounds in the region.
Ewoks are are notorious for such terrorist activities as throwing rocks at Imperial bombers! and for their general reluctance to submit to the Empire!!!)

"It's only a matter of time till we get Solo as well," said Admiral Piett, Commander of the Imperial Fleet. "The information we've wrung from the Bothan Spies being held at Guantanamo assure us that Solo, Leia and the entire Rebel terrorist networks days are numbered. Long live the Empire!"

Markets were expected to move upwards tomorrow on the news.