Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Evangelicals: Cake Before Dinosaurs...

Conservative/Evangelical Christians sure are worried about the “the times”. Everything presented via corporate news is taken at face value and is seen as a “sign of the times”, by them.

The funny thing is, conservative Christians sound very concerned and frightened at the state of the world today, but their appearance and their body language and even their particular expressed concerns tends to betray their angst.

They’re fat!

There, I said it.

Not only do they tend to be fat (often pear shaped -always doughy) but they also tend to be comfortably dressed and manicured.

More odd than that though, is that they tend to be intimately involved in the very same society that they inform us is plotting against them and all the other true believers. The world isn’t safe anymore, and it’s dangerous “out there”, but, hey, we're going to pack an RV and travel across America this summer to get away from all the stress of the daily grind.

And man oh man are they worried about muslims, because ISIS.

CHRISTIAN: “You better get prepared, brother, because Muslims hate America. Look at what ISIS is doing to people in the middle-east!”

ME: “You know ISIS formed and flourished in US controlled Iraq, don’t you?”

CHRISTIAN: “North Korea! When are we gonna deal with that crazy dictator?”

If you engage with conservative/evangelical Christians for very long you will note a schizophrenic swing from “they” to “us”, depending on the choice of context. “They” (American society) are taking away our religious freedom, while North Korea is a threat to “us” (American society).

They also worry a lot about a One World Government, all the while calling for Murica to invade and re-arrange other countries to fit the American model, ie corporate financed liberal democracy.

And don’t even get them started on abortion! Abortion is evil! Just don’t ask them why they only have two kids of their own. Contraception, you know -that’s just plain smart thinkin!

Oh, I almost forgot -Star Trek! Evangelicals love Star Trek! Yeah! That show that presented Imperial Marxism in a warm and wondrous light (with spaceships), is to Evangelicals what The View is to feminists.

Christians claim to have a long list of perceived enemies and threats, and yet, even as they’re telling you about multiple impending Armageddons due to our neo-Babylonian culture, they always look really, really decadent themselves -the bloated doughy bodies, the dandy demeanor, the Hawaiian shirts or god-awful sweaters, the knee length cargo shorts, the goatees to hide multiple chins...I could go on.

And even as they are telling you about the enemies and cultural threats, they themselves turn right around and associate, strongly, with those enemies and cultural threats.

I guess the two main things to take away from this rant are:

A. Evangelical/Conservative Christians are concerned that godless movements like the gay agenda are succeeding culturally and politically because they are so well financed. (This just in....the church was able to raise the $25 million last month for the new sound system!)

B. Evangelical Christians are really, really fat. And even when skinny, they tend to be doughy.

Heaven, it turns out, is a bakery. A Hawaiian themed bakery!

God is good. God is cake.